Bus Hire Tips

Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.

Why did the bus stop?
Because it saw the zebra crossing.

Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York?
Driver: Which part?
Passenger: All of me, of course!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Question: What is a bus?
Answer: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

What do you call a man with a double-decker bus on his head?
“The deceased”!

Another one was:

“Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.”

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual”, he replied.


“Is everyone in the bus?” asked the driver, before he closed the door.
“No,” called a lady, “wait until I get my clothes on.”
All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.